Did you miss me? More importantly, did you miss Ashley, our spunky, second-guessing dentist who broke Brad's heart, "badly," when she wouldn't "come here, to him, please" emotionally? Actually, scratch that: It's not important whether you missed her or not, because Ashley's here to stay all season long, and we all know the real reason we watch isn't because we like or don't like the Bachelor(ette). Brad's ratings made that clear enough. It's to see the parade of potential suitors who will jump over each other, the boundaries of human dignity and the shark to get that final rose.
You probably already watched the episode, but just in case you didn't, here's the Bachelorette Season 7 Premiere Drinking Game you should play/should have played tonight. "Novocaine for Your Brain," ha! Get it? Ashley's a dentist. Well, dental student. Who is taking time off from school to date 25 guys at once so she can get married before she gets her diploma because priorities. (Actually a pretty smart move, if you think about it. I mean, if I were Ashley, part of the reason I'd agree to do this show is because once it's over and I started my dental practice, no matter where I move my patient list will be full up of people who simply want the weird bragging rights of saying "My dentist was The Bachelorette!" to their friends. I bet she'll even have a photo booth in the office and, like, rose-shaped toothbrushes to sell. It's called a business model.)
The other reason Ashley probably agreed to be the new Bachelorette? A second chance to set things right. LET'S TAKE A RIDE DOWN THE ROOT CANAL OF LOVE ... TO THE RECAP!
You see, back when she was just another name on Brad's list, Ashley was "too much in her own head" and she couldn't "live in the moment" with Brad, which is solid post-breakup spin for "I screwed myself out of a rose by pouting in the hot tub, then pouting after going topless for Sports Illustrated, then pouting on my Overnight Sex Date."
But along the way, Ashley and Brad truly did have some great times (like that time they ate poutine in fake France) and after he dumped her in South Africa, Ashley learned her lesson: Life is too short to doubt the existence of what was never really there in the first place so technically you were right to doubt it, but shh, shut up brain, no one asked you. All it took was some pants-less soul-searching in her mental dance theater of loneliness and despair, and Ashley's heart was healed:
THE LIMOS ARRIVE, aka the Opening Ceremonies Second-Hand Embarrassment Parade
Ashley repeats her mantra ("No regrets!") and Chris says "Let the journey begin," but I think he means, "Let the cavalcade of creeps commence!"
Highlights from Ashley's "Meet the Meat" meet 'n' greet:- Ryan P.: He's first out of the limo, and she says "Whoa! You're so cute." I agree.
- Jon: He asks if they can go "straight to the Honeymoon," and then he lifts her over his shoulder like a cro-magnon prince and tries to carry her off. "That was awesome!" says Ashley, now a confirmed liar.
- William: "I literally thought of a thousand things to say when I got out of that limo, and I can't think of a single one." Then he tells her that he has had his heart broken before. He's too pretty to be such a sad sack, it's putting me off.
- Mickey: Ohhhh, this guy. He's wearing a tan suit (you can tell Mickey gets off on being Different) and he tries to plant a kiss on her first thing. She rejects it, as she should! Over-confidence is gross, Mickey. So is too much hair gel.
- Tim: He's ALREADY DRUNK when he gets out of the limo. He teeters, looks like he might trip, and then he trips over his words instead: "Because ... [world's drunkest pause] ... I don't know, I can't get the words out of my mouth." Get used to it.
- Ben C.: He speaks French to her, and she understands, but speaks English back to him. A call-back to her Hometown Date when she told Brad she could understand but not speak French.
- Chris D.: He recites a "so cute" rap for her about how excited he is to meet her. Ashley's words, not mine.
- West: He gives her a broken compass that is "stuck on West" and he hopes if she feels lost, she'll find her way back to him. I'm biased in West's favor, but that was well played.
- Anthony: He turns around, checks himself out in the limo and slowly swaggers up to her. I think he thinks he's Humphrey Bogart. More like Humphrey BOOOOO-gart! (Nailed it.)
- Ames: He's dressed like a boat captain and he gives Ashley ballet tickets, just so she knows right upfront that he is rich and fancy. Ugh, Ames. You'd think with so much money he could afford the J that's supposed to be on the front of his name.
- Jeff: THE MASKED BACHELOR. He's so laughably, ridiculously off-the-mark I can barely hear him say "I wanted to take my face out of the game" over my own shrill, gasping laughter. As Brad Womack would say: "My god." The rest of the guys are instantly anti-mask.
- Ben F.: The vintner, and he wastes no time helping Ashley get wasted. They share a toast with his wine: "To new beginnings." Offer is still on the table, Ben!
- Frank: Kisses her on the hand, twirls, lifts and then dips her. He's a goner.
- Chris M.: He looks like he came straight off the set of The Canadian O.C. (Ottowa County? Do they even have counties? I watch TV for a living.)
- Ryan M.: He brings a camera and takes some shots of Ashley and himself together. He's there 4 Da Memoriez.
- JP: It's just "himself and his smile." I'm sold, at least on the latter.
- Nick: He looks like a surfer, and he wrote her a Kasey Kahl (That's Bachelorette for "poem") that rhymes "stretch" with "catch."
- Bentley: Ashley says "ho ho" under her breath when he says his name, and then she makes a face like "Dammit, why'd he have to be so cute?"
- Constantine: He's got a little Jason Segel vibe going on, and he ties a piece of pink floss around her finger so she can remember him। "You are too cute!" says Ashley।
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